Posts Tagged ‘Britain’

Comedian Alan Carr is the latest in a line of entertainers being asked to apologise for wilfully making jokes.

Carr made his needless joke at the British Comedy Awards, the last place one would expect to hear something funny or satirical. Luckily a member of parliament was on hand to identify the one-liner as potentially dangerous and force an apology.

Comedians are the descendents of court jesters who at some point during the English civil war, revolted against the proletariat laughing at them, and demanded that they laughed with them. The proletariat in turn demanded that the comics must make them laugh with witty asides and anecdotes. The tradition has continued to the present day, although the practise of throwing stuff at the jesters/comedians still continues in some provinces (Glasgow).

Apparently todays MPs would prefer things to go back to when inoffensive comedians such as Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson were winning awards.


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A new police strategy to target anti-social behaviour has been announced in Devon. Community police, fed up with the constant stream of drunk-and-disorderly youths are hitting back hard – with flip flops.

It is hoped that the flip-flops will get drunks off the streets faster, as it expected it will be easier for them to stagger home in plastic beachwear than in shoes.

It is not clear how the police plan to tackle the next obstacle to their flip-flop scheme: tights.

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Lap dance club owner Peter Stringfellow has stated that his clients come to his clubs for companionship and friendship, not stripping, and he therefore shouldn’t have to pay for a proposed license increase of £30 000.

Apparently Stringfellows customers are surprised to find out that there even are naked women inside the club, so busy are they enjoying the general ambience.

Lap dancing clubs began as traditional Gentlemen’s club but were transformed one fateful day when a char-woman fell into a gentleman’s lap whilst dusting and her blouse fell off. As other gentlemen gathered to watch and laugh, a new industry was formed.

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Nouns are being compounded everyday – don’t forget to keep up!

Worldofwarcraft – A popular alternative to pointy ears.

Unemploymentrate – the only part of the economy that rises during a recession.

Childreninneed – An employment scheme for Fern Cotton

Sachsgate – A social faux pas relating to minor characters from beloved British sitcoms.

Onedayinternational – A public embarrassment.

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The British talent for succeeding at odd sports continues. Following in the footsteps of Phileas Fogg, Richard Branson and other fictional adventurers, a British cycling enthusiast has just completed a two year trip around the world on a penny-farthing, the favoured mode of transport of no-one.

The penny-farthing is an odd looking bicycle, so named as the large front wheel and small back wheel resemble a penny coin and a farthing lying side-by-side. The Victorian middle-classes used the bicycles as a way of demonstrating what the coins looked like to poor street urchins who never saw either.

Cyclist Joff Summerfield took his cycling challenge one step further in Australia by competing in the Penny Farthing World Championships, where, naturally he came second.

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Elton John, until recently the ‘Life President’ of Watford Football Club has severed ties with the club following ‘disillusionment’ about the way that it is currently being run.

Sir Elton and the Hertfordshire-based club have been involved for many years, so the news of the break-up will be surprising to many fans. ‘A friend’ of the couple said that the decision was ‘mutual’ and that John will continue to be ‘very good friends’ with the club, as they have been closely connected for such a long time.

It is rumoured that the decision to make the split public was forced by paparazzi photos circulating of Elton John in the stands at Luton Town FC.

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Today is an historic day (I don’t know if you’ve heard). But in the midst of blanket coverage of the US presidential election are we in danger of missing the important news from within Britain itself?

For example, were you aware that the British Educational Suppliers Association has released data that shows how current school furniture is too small for today’s pupils?

Furniture for pupils in schools is smaller than furniture for normal people. This is because children are thought to be smaller on average than adults. Unfortunately, the measurements used to make school furniture is based on children from the 1960s, when the country had only recently gone off rationing and the prevalence of smoking meant that most children were smaller and more withered than the children of today.

Educational experts say that it would be “better” if school desks and chairs didn’t cause long term back problems.

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