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Elton John, until recently the ‘Life President’ of Watford Football Club has severed ties with the club following ‘disillusionment’ about the way that it is currently being run.

Sir Elton and the Hertfordshire-based club have been involved for many years, so the news of the break-up will be surprising to many fans. ‘A friend’ of the couple said that the decision was ‘mutual’ and that John will continue to be ‘very good friends’ with the club, as they have been closely connected for such a long time.

It is rumoured that the decision to make the split public was forced by paparazzi photos circulating of Elton John in the stands at Luton Town FC.

Today is an historic day (I don’t know if you’ve heard). But in the midst of blanket coverage of the US presidential election are we in danger of missing the important news from within Britain itself?

For example, were you aware that the British Educational Suppliers Association has released data that shows how current school furniture is too small for today’s pupils?

Furniture for pupils in schools is smaller than furniture for normal people. This is because children are thought to be smaller on average than adults. Unfortunately, the measurements used to make school furniture is based on children from the 1960s, when the country had only recently gone off rationing and the prevalence of smoking meant that most children were smaller and more withered than the children of today.

Educational experts say that it would be “better” if school desks and chairs didn’t cause long term back problems.

Christmas in Oxford will now be known as the ‘Winter Light Festival’ after the local council decided calling it ‘Christmas’ was excluding the city’s non-Christian residents. This seems to have been a surprise to the non-Christian religious groups in the area, who really weren’t all that bothered what it was called.

Christmas in Britain was invented by Prince Albert, wife of Queen Victoria, because he was homesick, and was traditionally celebrated during advent, the month preceding Christmas day. Nowadays Christmas begins on the 1st September and is celebrated by the purchasing of multi-buy tins of chocolate, which reminds us of the three wise men, whose gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh were a three-for-two offer (cheapest item free).

The British once had an empire that spread across the world and which was demonstrated by colouring our bits of the map in a lovely shade of pink, based on the colour of British officers after a few months in the sun.

The old empire died out, what with people deciding they’d rather look after their own affairs rather than leaving it up to a small collection of people who muttered about ‘savages’ and were permanently sunburned. But could a new British Empire be arriving at the servant’s entrance?

A British ex-pat living in Spain has sneakily installed himself as Mayor of a Costa Blanca town. Rather than bother with the notion of running for office or elections or any of that nonsense, our plucky Brit merely got himself to a minor council position then waited patiently until all the other councillors were arrested wholesale on corruption charges, following ‘a tip-off’.

This type of accidental bumbling into power is just the sort of thing the British excel at – let the ‘whoops-a-daisy’ empire building continue.

New Sat Nav systems that will tell off their owners off for poor driving and suggest restaurants to stop at will be on the market within three years.

Sat Navs were first invented because of an inability by many drivers to follow directions when given by their spouse looking upside down at a map. Due to rapidly increasing numbers of divorce petitions citing ‘navigational problems’, the government ploughed money into satellite navigation technology in a bid to save Britain’s marriages.
It has been a successful strategy so far, with couples reuniting in their joint hatred of a computerised box that sends them up narrow country lanes, particularly when you are driving a car that was originally designed for traversing the Abu Dhabi desert and has expensive specially-shiny paint.

The latest incarnation of Sat-Nav’s are aimed at single people who generally do not have the benefit of what manufacturers are calling a ‘collision warning system’ and what most drivers would call a ‘backseat driver’.

Peter Mandelson has raised fears that Labour may be looking to re-live its policies from the 1980s. Mandelson suggested that New Labour should not feel under pressure from the Climate Crunch to revert to their 1983, governments-just-wanna-control-the-state selves.

But what if the lure of the 1980s revival is too strong for the party faithful? Rumour has it that several top cabinet ministers are to be found break-dancing at a local Westminster nightclub on their 80s revival night. But reports that Gordon Brown has been seen playing with a Rubik’s Cube during Prime Minister’s question time have not been confirmed.

Two fire engines and eight firemen were involved in a manhunt for a missing Scottish hamster today*.

The missing rodent, known to his friends and family as Fudgie, went missing in the small hours of the morning. His concerned relatives contacted the emergency services who sent out eight firemen and a fire service special unit to search for the little fella. A teeny tiny camera was hidden in a piece of chocolate in an effort to lure the fugitive out of hiding, yet despite the professionals’ best efforts, Fudgie is still at large.

No one yet knows the reasons behind Fudgie’s disappearance – his family were apparently unaware he was unhappy at home. It is thought Fudgie probably had enough food in his cheeks to last for several days.

If you come across Fudgie, please try and convince him to go home and then alert the national media.


*However much you may think this sounds like a spoof story, you may be interested to know that it is not.