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Archive for the ‘Sport’ Category

Following on from Team GB’s impressive performance at the Olympics, another British swimming star has emerged this week. The open water swimmer has just managed to cross the North Sea from Northumberland to the Farne Islands, a notoriously difficult stretch of water.

It is reported that the swimmer, Mr Otter, has also been making an impression on the local birds. It is hoped that Mr Otter’s success will encourage other young swimmers to similar feats.

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The British talent for succeeding at odd sports continues. Following in the footsteps of Phileas Fogg, Richard Branson and other fictional adventurers, a British cycling enthusiast has just completed a two year trip around the world on a penny-farthing, the favoured mode of transport of no-one.

The penny-farthing is an odd looking bicycle, so named as the large front wheel and small back wheel resemble a penny coin and a farthing lying side-by-side. The Victorian middle-classes used the bicycles as a way of demonstrating what the coins looked like to poor street urchins who never saw either.

Cyclist Joff Summerfield took his cycling challenge one step further in Australia by competing in the Penny Farthing World Championships, where, naturally he came second.

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Elton John, until recently the ‘Life President’ of Watford Football Club has severed ties with the club following ‘disillusionment’ about the way that it is currently being run.

Sir Elton and the Hertfordshire-based club have been involved for many years, so the news of the break-up will be surprising to many fans. ‘A friend’ of the couple said that the decision was ‘mutual’ and that John will continue to be ‘very good friends’ with the club, as they have been closely connected for such a long time.

It is rumoured that the decision to make the split public was forced by paparazzi photos circulating of Elton John in the stands at Luton Town FC.

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The joyful thought that Ping Pong (or Table Tennis, as it’s less strangely known) will be returning to it’s roots at the London 2012 Olympics, has no doubt rung chords of sympathy from many an Englishman in recent weeks.

The origins of the game attest to the truly British ability of creating ‘sports’ that can be played without having to go outside or change clothes (see also Darts, Snooker, Dominoes).
Ping Pong first arose in the 1800s and was played by posh people as something to pass the time between big meals.

Originally, big sticks took the place of bats, and servants were used instead of the plastic balls we use today. The muffled cries of servants being flung from end to end of the dining table are thought to have resulted in another early name for the game, Whiff Whaff.

Ping Pong is still one of the few sports to have three names. The name Ping Pong is though to have evolved from the illiterate servants themselves, who, unable to read or write, invented a phonetic name for the game once their backsides were finally replaced by balls.
The name of Table Tennis has only been used since the advent of youth clubs when commoners started to play the game and the sport needed to lose its aristocratic origins to attract players.

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There has been widespread anger across Britain as the public belatedly realise that sport is more interesting if you win things and is therefore worth bothering with after all, but the sudden interest in exercise has coincided with the end of summer and much shorter evenings.

 

It is a well known fact that exercise is dangerous when undertaken in the dark, and therefore is not to be attempted after 4pm during winter months, and not at all in north Scotland. 

 

Many have asked the Olympic Committee why the games had to be scheduled to finish at the end of August, when it would be too late for British people to make the most of it.  The overwhelming response was that most people didn’t expect Team GB to win enough to inspire anybody.  So far this comment has not been disputed.

 

There has been no response to the suggestion that those with a newfound sporting urge could just get up earlier. 

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British television presenters and commentators are currently working on commission from London 2012 sponsors to mention the London 2012 Olympics as many times as possible during the Beijing coverage. 

Media personnel in Beijing are hoping to improve their job prospects for work in four years time by mentioning the London 2012 Olympics more than any of their colleagues and thus head the leader board for London 2012 Olympics mentions. 

Extra marks are received for mentioning the London 2012 Olympics within 30 seconds of a British athlete winning a medal.  Bonus points will be added if said athlete under 20 years old. 

 

The London 2012 Olympics will take place in London in four years time. 

 

 

Good Things and Bad Things relating to TV Sports Presenters

 

Good Things                                                  

 

Good-natured banter                                       

Slo-mo                                                            

London 2012 Olympics                                   

 

Bad Things

 

Unresolved sexual tension

Technical Difficulties

Negativity towards London 2012

 

 

 

 

 

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 After years of waiting, the British Olympic Team has finally won a medal.  It has been four long years since the last Olympic medal was won by a British athlete.  The turn-around is thought to be due to the patience of the British team, who have been waiting an entire Olympiad for the starting gun to go off. 

 

Waiting is itself a great British sport, closely linked with the sister sport of queuing.  Indeed, some of our great British waiters have gone on to spend a great deal of time in queues. 

 

What the British are not good at, however, is queue jumping.  This is a worry, as we are currently sitting comfortably in third place on the medals table, but at risk from such notorious pushers-in as Germany, South Korea and the Australians, who tend to be taller and have longer arms.

 

Good Things                                                  

 

Medals (Gold)                                                 

Swimming, Rowing, Cycling, Sailing                

Blue Sky                                                           

12000 calories a day                                         

 

Bad Things

 

Medals (Silver/Bronze)

Athletics/Team Sports

Smog

Food Poisoning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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