Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Following on from Team GB’s impressive performance at the Olympics, another British swimming star has emerged this week. The open water swimmer has just managed to cross the North Sea from Northumberland to the Farne Islands, a notoriously difficult stretch of water.

It is reported that the swimmer, Mr Otter, has also been making an impression on the local birds. It is hoped that Mr Otter’s success will encourage other young swimmers to similar feats.


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For those of you worrying that scientists hadn’t yet found a way of breathalysing whales to find out what makes them sick then fear not, your prayers have been answered!

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New scientific research has revealed an unusual relationship between Viking invaders and small furry rodents.

The research has brought to light the common Viking practise of carrying a mouse in one’s pocket. A superstitious notion thought to ward off evil spirits and aid the invasion and pillaging of foreign nations by winning the local cat population over to their side.

With both cats and mice backing them, the Vikings settled in the UK and other parts of Europe, and their genetic descendents can still be traced today.
Apparently, the Vikings liked their mice so much, they took them with them wherever they went. This means geneticists and mouse historians can now trace their movements across Europe.

Animal psychologists have worried that the research will prove traumatic for modern day mice that may be unaware of their ancestors’ collaboration with the Scandinavian invaders. It is only twelve thousand generations since it all happened.

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Maths teachers have been criticised for teaching mathematics today.  Apparently school pupils are learning how to pass maths exams but still are unable to do maths.  This teaching tactic isn’t new however, as pupils have been learning English for years without being able to use it correctly. 


Ofsted has said the effectiveness of work in maths in schools just doesn’t add up – 11% of schools were judged to be outstanding, 44% good and 40% satisfactory.  The other 5% must have been miscounted. 


It is extremely important that today’s pupils learn the practical applications of mathematics, otherwise they will find problems later on.  Imagine a world where children lack a strong grasp of the subject – banks would collapse, share prices would be chaotic; financially everything would be a mess.  The idea is inconceivable. 


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British ecologists have been documenting sightings of commuters, searching for evidence of seasonal shift.  With the Climate Crunch having an increasing effect upon natural migration times, enthusiasts are being encouraged to record their own sightings and times of year very neatly in a little notebook.


The most common sighting was the Common Commuter (Commuterus plebs), which is commonly found skulking about the ends of platforms.  This family of commuters is typically low-spirited, cold-blooded and able to walk extremely fast without appearing to run. 


The Car Commuter (Commuterus vulgaris) is another example of the species that is very easy to spot, particularly in the south-east of England and other urban areas.  Characteristics include quick hand-eye coordination (particularly with hand gestures) and high blood pressure.


The rarest of the species is the Holiday Commuter (Commuterus incommodus) who is usually only spotted between the months of July and August.  These are easily seen however, as they are usually accompanied by their young and often a large suitcase or pushchair (sometimes both), especially during rush hour. 

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Scientists will attempt to discover the origins of life today, and in an ironic move, may also cause its demise.  Will the Hadron Super Collider be the downfall of us all?

Many scientists are likely to get angry if you suggest this, as there is a very low probability that they will accidentally create a black hole in Geneva that the Earth will collapse into, and we are all very silly to be worrying about it.  Of course, if they’d had the foresight to build the thing at a more glamorous location, the panic might have been avoided.  Free trip to Mauritius at light speed?  Go for it!  Death via Switzerland?  Well, hang on just a second. 


And of course it is a well known fact that the general public fully appreciate and understand the notion of probabilities, which is why so few people buy National Lottery tickets.  Or scratchcards.  Or Euromillions tickets.    And why juries don’t get confused by DNA evidence.


And why should we be worried when scientists have never been involved in anything dangerous or life threatening before?  And even if they were, it’s alright because they also invented the internet and Velcro.  

After all, Velcro could be very useful just now when gravity starts pulling us towards the event horizon…


So while we wait and see what happens, why not enjoy some scientific humour;

Q: What did one photon say to the other photon? A: I’m sick and tired of your interference.
Q:  Why did the two photons become a particle? A: When they met they were getting bored with high speed travel and  decided to make something of themselves

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The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has announced that Londoners can use their gardens to fight against the Climate Crunch, but only if they are on the roof.


Rooftop gardens will be encouraged in the capital as a way of retaining more rainwater, as at the moment, most rainwater tends to run along the street and make people’s shoes wet.  Gardens already at ground level will be moved to higher ground, so that the rain doesn’t have to fall as far. 


It is likely to be a popular scheme, as many British people do like a nice garden.  Gardens after all offer ample opportunity for spying on neighbours, sleeping in the afternoon and sitting on plastic furniture. 


The scheme is also likely to have an economic benefit as many London tradesmen will find extra work repairing buildings that have had 3 metres of soggy soil installed above them. 


Shareholders at the All England Lawn Tennis Club are thought to be pondering the need for a rooftop garden on the new Centre Court roof, as the rainwater collected during the last week of June and first week of July could keep Buxton Spring supplied for several months. 

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