PC’s asked to mind their Ps and Qs

Police officers have been criticised by their superiors for being rude this week; recent research has revealed that the public find criminals much more polite.  Police officers have been advised to think carefully before they speak next time. 

 

British police officers are typically taught three key phrases to use when dealing with the public; Ello, ello, ello, What’s all this then? and Evenin’ all.  However there are some situations where none of these apply and police officers have been forced to improvise, leading to protests of rudeness.    

 

The criminal fraternity has backed this claim, with one burglar recorded as being ‘deeply hurt’ by a recent barb.  His accomplice stated that ‘he hasn’t been able to work properly since’. 

 

Another suggestion has been that police cadets receive etiquette training in the correct manner of dealing with criminals.  For example, making sure hoodies are using the right sort of knife and holding the door open for burglars. 

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Compounding the Noun

 

British people are smug about words.  It’s because we have so many of them.  And because we spell them properly. 

It is a well known fact that English was invented by the Queen, which is why it is known as the Queen’s English.  From time to time, the Queen likes to invent new words, and perhaps owing to her German roots and busy schedule, is fond of creating compound nouns by sticking two old words together.  Recent creations by the Queen have included ‘Henmanhill’, ‘Yogolates’ and ‘Staycation’.  

 

Of course as a chronicle of modern culture, at 2008… and All That we will be keeping an eye on the latest words being spat out of the mouths of the nation.

 

Staycation – a period of time spent at home, not working and doing worthwhile, environmentally-friendly activities such as customising second hand clothes, creating a back garden allotment and enjoying the local green spaces. 

Not to be confused with sitting at home, not working, playing Playstation and claiming job-seekers allowance.

 

SirAlan – a rich, shouty person that points a lot. 

 

PoshnBecks – a couple who sell their wedding and photos of their children for money, advertise lots of perfume and underwear for money and then thankfully move to the USA to make more money.

 

TeamGB – an unexpectedly successful sports team.

 

London2012 – a wish and a prayer.

 

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Northern Brits to move South-East for winter

Kindly politicians and policy makers in the South East have attempted to save northerners from the harsh realities of winter and depression by campaigning for them to be relocated to the sunnier, happier climes surrounding London.

It is a well known fact that people in the south are much happier than their northern counterparts, particularly those working in the service industry. This means that northern people will be happy too if they move to the overpopulated, more expensive south-east.
Southerners, known for their hospitality, are likely to welcome the move.

However, what the political think-tanks may not have considered is the scientific implications of such a mass migration.
It is a well known fact that because of things to do with ice ages (probably to do with stress and strain), Great Britain is tilting and the south-east is sinking. What effect such a large migration of people will have on the Great British Tilt is unknown, but it has been suggested that the added weight of several million northerners descended on the south may tip the balance, causing most of the south-east to fall below sea level.

This of course will mean the new south-east will start somewhere just north of London.

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