Archive for the ‘Miscellany’ Category

A new police strategy to target anti-social behaviour has been announced in Devon. Community police, fed up with the constant stream of drunk-and-disorderly youths are hitting back hard – with flip flops.

It is hoped that the flip-flops will get drunks off the streets faster, as it expected it will be easier for them to stagger home in plastic beachwear than in shoes.

It is not clear how the police plan to tackle the next obstacle to their flip-flop scheme: tights.


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Nouns are being compounded everyday – don’t forget to keep up!

Worldofwarcraft – A popular alternative to pointy ears.

Unemploymentrate – the only part of the economy that rises during a recession.

Childreninneed – An employment scheme for Fern Cotton

Sachsgate – A social faux pas relating to minor characters from beloved British sitcoms.

Onedayinternational – A public embarrassment.

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Two fire engines and eight firemen were involved in a manhunt for a missing Scottish hamster today*.

The missing rodent, known to his friends and family as Fudgie, went missing in the small hours of the morning. His concerned relatives contacted the emergency services who sent out eight firemen and a fire service special unit to search for the little fella. A teeny tiny camera was hidden in a piece of chocolate in an effort to lure the fugitive out of hiding, yet despite the professionals’ best efforts, Fudgie is still at large.

No one yet knows the reasons behind Fudgie’s disappearance – his family were apparently unaware he was unhappy at home. It is thought Fudgie probably had enough food in his cheeks to last for several days.

If you come across Fudgie, please try and convince him to go home and then alert the national media.

*However much you may think this sounds like a spoof story, you may be interested to know that it is not.

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Madonna is being groomed to take over the British monarchy instead of Prince Charles, it has been rumoured.
Madonna, much like the Queen, has demonstrated a strong sense of duty to her public for the last twenty years, which has also highlighted her longevity, a quality favoured in monarchs. She has also shown she can be patriotic by singing a song about American Pie whilst waving a flag.

Madonna has allegedly been undergoing training by royal aides for a number of years. She already had lots of houses and more money than most of her potential subjects. So the next step was to be taught how to hunt whilst wearing tweed, in order to have something to talk about whilst with the aristocracy. Then there was a brief period where she tried an English accent, but this was dropped after Buckingham Palace decided that having a funny accent had never held Queen Elizabeth II back.

Now Madonna has sealed the deal with a high profile divorce in the tradition of Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Princess Margaret and Henry VIII. Her coronation is now surely just an abdication away.

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Lollipop ladies are making a comeback in Harrow. Lollipop ladies were last seen in the London borough when they were defeated in the great lollipop stick fight of 2001, when the ladies were defeated by the School Crossing Patrollers for the right to terrorise children on their way to school. Few can forget the carnage caused at the time. Clearing up the broken lollipop sticks and high-vis jackets alone took from 9am to around 3pm.

Traffic Wardens are thought to be making a comeback in the Harrow area also, and have been spotted on patches previously patrolled by the Civil Enforcement Officers. The Civil Enforcement Officers first appeared around the time of the School Crossing Patrollers brutal victory over the Lollipops, and soon took control of the Traffic Wardens territory and double yellow lines, but local people said they saw little difference between the two regimes.

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Police officers in Cambridge are to be equipped with whistles once more to tackle the ever increasing problem of anti-social cyclists.

It is hoped that the comeback of the police whistle will both deter cyclists from being anti-social (perhaps by encouraging them to join a book group), as well as fit in with this season’s retro fashion trend. After all, police officers have been wearing the same uniform for years; it’s time to update the look.

It is thought that the idea first came about when members of the Cambridge police force tried remembering when they last had local cyclists under control. Apparently it was when they had whistles.

It is not quite clear why whistles are so effective against young cyclists, yet seemingly uneffective against young people on foot wearing hoodies. It is thought that the high-pitched screech of the whistle distracts the cyclist, causing him to wobble and then fall off. It is hoped that footage of local wobbling cyclists will soon appear on YouTube for the enjoyment of all.

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Warrington police were on the lookout for a 5ft tall bird, wearing nothing but feathers this week, after family reported her missing. 

The bird, known as Arhea, was missing for a number of hours, until she was spotted by a neighbour in a nearby field. 

It has been suggested that she may have been found earlier, if police had not believed they were looking for a person, instead of an ostrich-like bird with large claws. 




Heathrow Airport Grows a New Wing


Good news for claustrophobics this week as the government has decided that Heathrow Airport is much too small and pokey, and has agreed plans to add an extra runway, allowing for extra roominess and several thousand extra aeroplanes a day. 


Before voting on the issue, ministers watched repeats of Location, Location, Location, and, on the advice of Kirsty and Phil, have decided not just to enjoy their expensive asset, but to add value and extend it, and just let the neighbours think what they like. 


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