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Archive for the ‘Culture’ Category

Comedian Alan Carr is the latest in a line of entertainers being asked to apologise for wilfully making jokes.

Carr made his needless joke at the British Comedy Awards, the last place one would expect to hear something funny or satirical. Luckily a member of parliament was on hand to identify the one-liner as potentially dangerous and force an apology.

Comedians are the descendents of court jesters who at some point during the English civil war, revolted against the proletariat laughing at them, and demanded that they laughed with them. The proletariat in turn demanded that the comics must make them laugh with witty asides and anecdotes. The tradition has continued to the present day, although the practise of throwing stuff at the jesters/comedians still continues in some provinces (Glasgow).

Apparently todays MPs would prefer things to go back to when inoffensive comedians such as Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson were winning awards.

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A new police strategy to target anti-social behaviour has been announced in Devon. Community police, fed up with the constant stream of drunk-and-disorderly youths are hitting back hard – with flip flops.

It is hoped that the flip-flops will get drunks off the streets faster, as it expected it will be easier for them to stagger home in plastic beachwear than in shoes.

It is not clear how the police plan to tackle the next obstacle to their flip-flop scheme: tights.

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Lap dance club owner Peter Stringfellow has stated that his clients come to his clubs for companionship and friendship, not stripping, and he therefore shouldn’t have to pay for a proposed license increase of £30 000.

Apparently Stringfellows customers are surprised to find out that there even are naked women inside the club, so busy are they enjoying the general ambience.

Lap dancing clubs began as traditional Gentlemen’s club but were transformed one fateful day when a char-woman fell into a gentleman’s lap whilst dusting and her blouse fell off. As other gentlemen gathered to watch and laugh, a new industry was formed.

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Christmas in Oxford will now be known as the ‘Winter Light Festival’ after the local council decided calling it ‘Christmas’ was excluding the city’s non-Christian residents. This seems to have been a surprise to the non-Christian religious groups in the area, who really weren’t all that bothered what it was called.

Christmas in Britain was invented by Prince Albert, wife of Queen Victoria, because he was homesick, and was traditionally celebrated during advent, the month preceding Christmas day. Nowadays Christmas begins on the 1st September and is celebrated by the purchasing of multi-buy tins of chocolate, which reminds us of the three wise men, whose gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh were a three-for-two offer (cheapest item free).

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Police officers in Cambridge are to be equipped with whistles once more to tackle the ever increasing problem of anti-social cyclists.

It is hoped that the comeback of the police whistle will both deter cyclists from being anti-social (perhaps by encouraging them to join a book group), as well as fit in with this season’s retro fashion trend. After all, police officers have been wearing the same uniform for years; it’s time to update the look.

It is thought that the idea first came about when members of the Cambridge police force tried remembering when they last had local cyclists under control. Apparently it was when they had whistles.

It is not quite clear why whistles are so effective against young cyclists, yet seemingly uneffective against young people on foot wearing hoodies. It is thought that the high-pitched screech of the whistle distracts the cyclist, causing him to wobble and then fall off. It is hoped that footage of local wobbling cyclists will soon appear on YouTube for the enjoyment of all.

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Prince Charles has decided to take up the royal tradition of having two birthdays. The Queen has been doing this for years, as it is ‘historical tradition’ for the sovereign to get lots of presents.

The practise of royal birthdays being celebrated twice first occurred in the 1800s when mad King George III forgot when his birthday was and decided to have it in June instead. Because he was the king, and therefore Very Important, no one liked to tell him it wasn’t really his birthday. And thus a tradition was born.

Prince Charles seems to be taking up the birthday tradition early, instead of waiting to until he becomes king, which is the usual way of doing it. However, Charles has been waiting for a very long time to be king, so he has already missed out a lot of second-birthday presents.

The practise of having two birthdays has been thought to contribute to the Queen’s longevity; after all she gets twice as many happy returns as the rest of us.

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The Taliban has started targeting the western world where it really hurts – television and light entertainment. As a result, popular TV presenters Ant ‘n’ Dec were lucky to survive a scare in Afghanistan when Kandahar airport was shelled with them inside it.

Reports are coming through that the Taliban has slowly come to realise the importance of variety shows, and now sees them as a legitimate target. It is not known exactly which Ant ‘n’ Dec vehicle offended them the most, but the pro-am celebrity-golf-tournament-charity thing on Sky is a likely candidate. The Taliban is notoriously anti-golf.

Taliban leaders are rumoured to be flicking through the TV guide to find their next target. The BBC behemoth Strictly Come Dancing is an obvious one, particularly because of its liberal use of women and Bruce Forsythe.

Family Fortunes bosses are also worried that Taliban fighters may have been making their way into the audience of Family Fortunes, as there have been some odd answers coming up in their surveys. When asking answers for something that makes your husband laugh their survey said George Bush and votes for women.

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