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Archive for October, 2008

The British once had an empire that spread across the world and which was demonstrated by colouring our bits of the map in a lovely shade of pink, based on the colour of British officers after a few months in the sun.

The old empire died out, what with people deciding they’d rather look after their own affairs rather than leaving it up to a small collection of people who muttered about ‘savages’ and were permanently sunburned. But could a new British Empire be arriving at the servant’s entrance?

A British ex-pat living in Spain has sneakily installed himself as Mayor of a Costa Blanca town. Rather than bother with the notion of running for office or elections or any of that nonsense, our plucky Brit merely got himself to a minor council position then waited patiently until all the other councillors were arrested wholesale on corruption charges, following ‘a tip-off’.

This type of accidental bumbling into power is just the sort of thing the British excel at – let the ‘whoops-a-daisy’ empire building continue.

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New Sat Nav systems that will tell off their owners off for poor driving and suggest restaurants to stop at will be on the market within three years.

Sat Navs were first invented because of an inability by many drivers to follow directions when given by their spouse looking upside down at a map. Due to rapidly increasing numbers of divorce petitions citing ‘navigational problems’, the government ploughed money into satellite navigation technology in a bid to save Britain’s marriages.
It has been a successful strategy so far, with couples reuniting in their joint hatred of a computerised box that sends them up narrow country lanes, particularly when you are driving a car that was originally designed for traversing the Abu Dhabi desert and has expensive specially-shiny paint.

The latest incarnation of Sat-Nav’s are aimed at single people who generally do not have the benefit of what manufacturers are calling a ‘collision warning system’ and what most drivers would call a ‘backseat driver’.

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Peter Mandelson has raised fears that Labour may be looking to re-live its policies from the 1980s. Mandelson suggested that New Labour should not feel under pressure from the Climate Crunch to revert to their 1983, governments-just-wanna-control-the-state selves.

But what if the lure of the 1980s revival is too strong for the party faithful? Rumour has it that several top cabinet ministers are to be found break-dancing at a local Westminster nightclub on their 80s revival night. But reports that Gordon Brown has been seen playing with a Rubik’s Cube during Prime Minister’s question time have not been confirmed.

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Two fire engines and eight firemen were involved in a manhunt for a missing Scottish hamster today*.

The missing rodent, known to his friends and family as Fudgie, went missing in the small hours of the morning. His concerned relatives contacted the emergency services who sent out eight firemen and a fire service special unit to search for the little fella. A teeny tiny camera was hidden in a piece of chocolate in an effort to lure the fugitive out of hiding, yet despite the professionals’ best efforts, Fudgie is still at large.

No one yet knows the reasons behind Fudgie’s disappearance – his family were apparently unaware he was unhappy at home. It is thought Fudgie probably had enough food in his cheeks to last for several days.

If you come across Fudgie, please try and convince him to go home and then alert the national media.


*However much you may think this sounds like a spoof story, you may be interested to know that it is not.

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Recently released news that UFOs have been spotted over Manchester has led to claims that aliens may be living in the city.
There are increasing reports of alien-like behaviour amongst fans at the City of Manchester stadium, and it is rumoured that some of the retail staff in the Arndale Centre are not of this world.

Although Manchester City Council are officially unaware of any extra-terrestrials living in the area, one spokesman commented that “if there are any aliens in Manchester, they are obviously fully integrated and a valuable part of this vibrant city.”
However there are worries among some parts of the council that there could be racial tension between the new immigrants and the existing alien population across the Yorkshire border, which first landed on Ilkley Moor in the 1980s.

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Madonna is being groomed to take over the British monarchy instead of Prince Charles, it has been rumoured.
Madonna, much like the Queen, has demonstrated a strong sense of duty to her public for the last twenty years, which has also highlighted her longevity, a quality favoured in monarchs. She has also shown she can be patriotic by singing a song about American Pie whilst waving a flag.

Madonna has allegedly been undergoing training by royal aides for a number of years. She already had lots of houses and more money than most of her potential subjects. So the next step was to be taught how to hunt whilst wearing tweed, in order to have something to talk about whilst with the aristocracy. Then there was a brief period where she tried an English accent, but this was dropped after Buckingham Palace decided that having a funny accent had never held Queen Elizabeth II back.

Now Madonna has sealed the deal with a high profile divorce in the tradition of Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne, Princess Margaret and Henry VIII. Her coronation is now surely just an abdication away.

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Quelle Fromage!

Cheese can often bring out the worst in people. It is smelly, it is mouldy and it is full of cholesterol. But now cheese has driven one individual to crime.

One Glasgow man’s love of cheese was so mature that he ordered thousands of pounds worth of the stuff in order to commit a cheese-related fraud.

Cheese has long been thought to have mind-altering properties. It is commonly known to induce nightmares when eaten late at night and when melted on toast, cheese can psychically influence others to make more of it.

This is the most recent and serious case of cheese addiction leading to crime; rumours of an accomplice ordering large amounts of chutney in Aberdeen have been unconfirmed.

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