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Archive for September, 2008

The Taliban has started targeting the western world where it really hurts – television and light entertainment. As a result, popular TV presenters Ant ‘n’ Dec were lucky to survive a scare in Afghanistan when Kandahar airport was shelled with them inside it.

Reports are coming through that the Taliban has slowly come to realise the importance of variety shows, and now sees them as a legitimate target. It is not known exactly which Ant ‘n’ Dec vehicle offended them the most, but the pro-am celebrity-golf-tournament-charity thing on Sky is a likely candidate. The Taliban is notoriously anti-golf.

Taliban leaders are rumoured to be flicking through the TV guide to find their next target. The BBC behemoth Strictly Come Dancing is an obvious one, particularly because of its liberal use of women and Bruce Forsythe.

Family Fortunes bosses are also worried that Taliban fighters may have been making their way into the audience of Family Fortunes, as there have been some odd answers coming up in their surveys. When asking answers for something that makes your husband laugh their survey said George Bush and votes for women.

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A school in Sutton Coalfield has made the news this week for banning traditional school ties in favour of a clip-on version. Apparently teachers found the range of chavy tie knots displayed by the pupils to be offensive. Accurate descriptions of school pupils’ opinions on their teachers clothing are unprintable.

School uniforms are a long held tradition in Britain. They were first introduced by elderly teachers with poor eyesight to help them identify their pupils before spectacles were invented. They became even more popular after photography got started, when the first-day-at-school photo was found to be useful for public embarrassment and blackmail purposes.

Many schools have experimented with their uniforms over the years, in the hope of finding the perfect combination of itchy fabric and soul-crushing design. School uniforms perhaps reached their pinnacle in the 1970s, with pinafore dresses and berets enjoying their heyday, before they moved on to the ignominy of Brownie uniforms.

Currently, school governors are attempting to gradually phase uniforms into an approximation of leisurewear or prison uniforms, as most pupils are likely to end up wearing these anyway.

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Warrington police were on the lookout for a 5ft tall bird, wearing nothing but feathers this week, after family reported her missing. 

The bird, known as Arhea, was missing for a number of hours, until she was spotted by a neighbour in a nearby field. 

It has been suggested that she may have been found earlier, if police had not believed they were looking for a person, instead of an ostrich-like bird with large claws. 

 

 

 

Heathrow Airport Grows a New Wing

 

Good news for claustrophobics this week as the government has decided that Heathrow Airport is much too small and pokey, and has agreed plans to add an extra runway, allowing for extra roominess and several thousand extra aeroplanes a day. 

 

Before voting on the issue, ministers watched repeats of Location, Location, Location, and, on the advice of Kirsty and Phil, have decided not just to enjoy their expensive asset, but to add value and extend it, and just let the neighbours think what they like. 

 

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A hill in Wales has recently been upgraded to a mountain following measurements that revealed Snowdonia’s Mynydd Graig Goch mountain was in fact six inches taller than previously thought.  Good news for British mountaineers, bad news for cartographers, who now have to re-do all the ordnance survey maps. 

 

A spate of similar corrections and miscalculations is predicted to follow this announcement.  London landmark the Gherkin is expected to be upgraded to a Cucumber by December.  The London Eye will become the London Ear, Nose and Throat and Big Ben will undergo gender reassignment to Big Betty.

 

Locals from a neighbouring village in Wales, whose hill has not been upgraded to a mountain, continue to maintain that the size of Graig Goch has not increased, but that the people underneath it have all shrunk by six inches, and that the people measuring it were wearing platform shoes.  In retaliation, the locals of Graig Goch looked up and told them to get off their high horse.

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Maths teachers have been criticised for teaching mathematics today.  Apparently school pupils are learning how to pass maths exams but still are unable to do maths.  This teaching tactic isn’t new however, as pupils have been learning English for years without being able to use it correctly. 

 

Ofsted has said the effectiveness of work in maths in schools just doesn’t add up – 11% of schools were judged to be outstanding, 44% good and 40% satisfactory.  The other 5% must have been miscounted. 

 

It is extremely important that today’s pupils learn the practical applications of mathematics, otherwise they will find problems later on.  Imagine a world where children lack a strong grasp of the subject – banks would collapse, share prices would be chaotic; financially everything would be a mess.  The idea is inconceivable. 

 

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The Kennel Club, the organisation responsible for the tv-reality dog show Crufts, may be about to end its 200 year relationship with the BBC. 

 

Crufts, named after the canine slang for barking, has been shown on the BBC for longer than anyone can remember.  So long, in fact, that no one can remember why it was shown in the first place.  Except that it might have seemed more showbiz than One Man and His Dog. 

 

The fuss has been caused by a BBC documentary that suggests that inbreeding pedigree dogs to the extent that they can no longer see, hear or breathe properly may not be in the dogs’ best interests.   

 

BBC bosses are said to be considering different formats for the annual dog show, but without the presence of the top breeds, it is feared that the tone of the show may suffer.  Suggestions that have already been dismissed include dropping dogs into the jungle for two weeks to see which eats the most disgusting insect, and Celebrity Dog Island, based on the Isle of Dogs, where the audience votes which two dogs will mate first. 

 

A popular idea to see dogs trained to run restaurants under the advice of a Michelin-star chef has been dismissed on health and safety grounds. 

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Police officers have been criticised by their superiors for being rude this week; recent research has revealed that the public find criminals much more polite.  Police officers have been advised to think carefully before they speak next time. 

 

British police officers are typically taught three key phrases to use when dealing with the public; Ello, ello, ello, What’s all this then? and Evenin’ all.  However there are some situations where none of these apply and police officers have been forced to improvise, leading to protests of rudeness.    

 

The criminal fraternity has backed this claim, with one burglar recorded as being ‘deeply hurt’ by a recent barb.  His accomplice stated that ‘he hasn’t been able to work properly since’. 

 

Another suggestion has been that police cadets receive etiquette training in the correct manner of dealing with criminals.  For example, making sure hoodies are using the right sort of knife and holding the door open for burglars. 

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