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Archive for August, 2008

 

There has been widespread anger across Britain as the public belatedly realise that sport is more interesting if you win things and is therefore worth bothering with after all, but the sudden interest in exercise has coincided with the end of summer and much shorter evenings.

 

It is a well known fact that exercise is dangerous when undertaken in the dark, and therefore is not to be attempted after 4pm during winter months, and not at all in north Scotland. 

 

Many have asked the Olympic Committee why the games had to be scheduled to finish at the end of August, when it would be too late for British people to make the most of it.  The overwhelming response was that most people didn’t expect Team GB to win enough to inspire anybody.  So far this comment has not been disputed.

 

There has been no response to the suggestion that those with a newfound sporting urge could just get up earlier. 

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Kindly politicians and policy makers in the South East have attempted to save northerners from the harsh realities of winter and depression by campaigning for them to be relocated to the sunnier, happier climes surrounding London.

It is a well known fact that people in the south are much happier than their northern counterparts, particularly those working in the service industry. This means that northern people will be happy too if they move to the overpopulated, more expensive south-east.
Southerners, known for their hospitality, are likely to welcome the move.

However, what the political think-tanks may not have considered is the scientific implications of such a mass migration.
It is a well known fact that because of things to do with ice ages (probably to do with stress and strain), Great Britain is tilting and the south-east is sinking. What effect such a large migration of people will have on the Great British Tilt is unknown, but it has been suggested that the added weight of several million northerners descended on the south may tip the balance, causing most of the south-east to fall below sea level.

This of course will mean the new south-east will start somewhere just north of London.

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A-Levels and GCSE’s are commonly known as a Good Thing, except during August when the results come out when they become a Bad Thing because there are too many good grades (although students and teachers may still believe that this is a Good Thing).  Students and teachers are, of course, wrong. 

 

Too many high grades means that universities can’t tell the difference between good students and bad students and this is a very Bad Thing, as bad students are notorious for staying in bed, missing lectures, not completing essays and all the things very good students never ever do.

 

Some academics believe the answer is to reverse the system and start to take students with lower grades, as clever ones will realise this and deliberately do less work.  Very clever ones may do no work at all, thus top universities should start asking for U grades instead of A grades. 

 

This tactic may not be perfect, as some very stupid students may not realise the new system and end up with U’s because they don’t do any work anyway.  This could result in embarrassing situations where stupid people go to universities such as Oxford and Cambridge, where they might even come into contact with academics who would inspire them, and this of course would be a Very Bad Thing.

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British people are holidaying in Britain for the first time this year, due to the overwhelming effects of the Climate Crunch.  The Climate Crunch has been caused by excessive government spending causing politicians to expel a large amount of hot air, resulting in increased CO2 emissions.  The most damming outcome of the crunch has been the restriction on travel, with many Brits being forced to stay in their second homes in Cornwall, rather than visit their third homes on the Cote D’Azur. 

Local youths have been encouraged to leave their villages and move to local towns for the duration, so as not to distress holiday makers. 

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British television presenters and commentators are currently working on commission from London 2012 sponsors to mention the London 2012 Olympics as many times as possible during the Beijing coverage. 

Media personnel in Beijing are hoping to improve their job prospects for work in four years time by mentioning the London 2012 Olympics more than any of their colleagues and thus head the leader board for London 2012 Olympics mentions. 

Extra marks are received for mentioning the London 2012 Olympics within 30 seconds of a British athlete winning a medal.  Bonus points will be added if said athlete under 20 years old. 

 

The London 2012 Olympics will take place in London in four years time. 

 

 

Good Things and Bad Things relating to TV Sports Presenters

 

Good Things                                                  

 

Good-natured banter                                       

Slo-mo                                                            

London 2012 Olympics                                   

 

Bad Things

 

Unresolved sexual tension

Technical Difficulties

Negativity towards London 2012

 

 

 

 

 

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 After years of waiting, the British Olympic Team has finally won a medal.  It has been four long years since the last Olympic medal was won by a British athlete.  The turn-around is thought to be due to the patience of the British team, who have been waiting an entire Olympiad for the starting gun to go off. 

 

Waiting is itself a great British sport, closely linked with the sister sport of queuing.  Indeed, some of our great British waiters have gone on to spend a great deal of time in queues. 

 

What the British are not good at, however, is queue jumping.  This is a worry, as we are currently sitting comfortably in third place on the medals table, but at risk from such notorious pushers-in as Germany, South Korea and the Australians, who tend to be taller and have longer arms.

 

Good Things                                                  

 

Medals (Gold)                                                 

Swimming, Rowing, Cycling, Sailing                

Blue Sky                                                           

12000 calories a day                                         

 

Bad Things

 

Medals (Silver/Bronze)

Athletics/Team Sports

Smog

Food Poisoning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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