Still preoccupied, with 19, 19, 1985?

Peter Mandelson has raised fears that Labour may be looking to re-live its policies from the 1980s. Mandelson suggested that New Labour should not feel under pressure from the Climate Crunch to revert to their 1983, governments-just-wanna-control-the-state selves.

But what if the lure of the 1980s revival is too strong for the party faithful? Rumour has it that several top cabinet ministers are to be found break-dancing at a local Westminster nightclub on their 80s revival night. But reports that Gordon Brown has been seen playing with a Rubik’s Cube during Prime Minister’s question time have not been confirmed.

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Taliban Targets Light Entertainment

The Taliban has started targeting the western world where it really hurts – television and light entertainment. As a result, popular TV presenters Ant ‘n’ Dec were lucky to survive a scare in Afghanistan when Kandahar airport was shelled with them inside it.

Reports are coming through that the Taliban has slowly come to realise the importance of variety shows, and now sees them as a legitimate target. It is not known exactly which Ant ‘n’ Dec vehicle offended them the most, but the pro-am celebrity-golf-tournament-charity thing on Sky is a likely candidate. The Taliban is notoriously anti-golf.

Taliban leaders are rumoured to be flicking through the TV guide to find their next target. The BBC behemoth Strictly Come Dancing is an obvious one, particularly because of its liberal use of women and Bruce Forsythe.

Family Fortunes bosses are also worried that Taliban fighters may have been making their way into the audience of Family Fortunes, as there have been some odd answers coming up in their surveys. When asking answers for something that makes your husband laugh their survey said George Bush and votes for women.

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Big Bird Escapes from Small House

Warrington police were on the lookout for a 5ft tall bird, wearing nothing but feathers this week, after family reported her missing. 

The bird, known as Arhea, was missing for a number of hours, until she was spotted by a neighbour in a nearby field. 

It has been suggested that she may have been found earlier, if police had not believed they were looking for a person, instead of an ostrich-like bird with large claws. 

 

 

 

Heathrow Airport Grows a New Wing

 

Good news for claustrophobics this week as the government has decided that Heathrow Airport is much too small and pokey, and has agreed plans to add an extra runway, allowing for extra roominess and several thousand extra aeroplanes a day. 

 

Before voting on the issue, ministers watched repeats of Location, Location, Location, and, on the advice of Kirsty and Phil, have decided not just to enjoy their expensive asset, but to add value and extend it, and just let the neighbours think what they like. 

 

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Northern Brits to move South-East for winter

Kindly politicians and policy makers in the South East have attempted to save northerners from the harsh realities of winter and depression by campaigning for them to be relocated to the sunnier, happier climes surrounding London.

It is a well known fact that people in the south are much happier than their northern counterparts, particularly those working in the service industry. This means that northern people will be happy too if they move to the overpopulated, more expensive south-east.
Southerners, known for their hospitality, are likely to welcome the move.

However, what the political think-tanks may not have considered is the scientific implications of such a mass migration.
It is a well known fact that because of things to do with ice ages (probably to do with stress and strain), Great Britain is tilting and the south-east is sinking. What effect such a large migration of people will have on the Great British Tilt is unknown, but it has been suggested that the added weight of several million northerners descended on the south may tip the balance, causing most of the south-east to fall below sea level.

This of course will mean the new south-east will start somewhere just north of London.

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